Browse Professor Quotes

You note-taking addicts! I rather you be drug addicts! Note-taking addicts cannot pass my class. Drug addicts can pass my class.

—Dr. Boo Sang Lee, Calculus B

Well, what do you do with the fool? hmm? You don't kill the fool,you pity the fool.

—Professor Kovalev 2/5/09 2:05 p.m.

Just like a mother who doesn't take care of her child is a sick parent, you who doesn't do your homework is a sick student! 

—Boo Sang Lee

"I want to go to Australia to see the koalas. I want to hug them. It is my dream."

—Prof. Hashimoto, Japanese 102
I had sex twice. I have two kids. Sex is fun.
—Professor Pedro Govantes, "American Christianity at the Crossroads"
Go, you Marxist vixen you!
—Dr. Carney in Shakespeare: Tragedies and Romances, discussing Paulina's empowerment in A Winter's Tale
It's a good thing you all don't have schizophrenia.
—Prof Hohmuth, Abnormal Psychology
Life is a multiple choice, not an essay.
—Dr. Lew Hoffman, MGMT 360 Operations Management
Last night, the humidity went way up and my g-string snapped-the one on my lute that is.
—Professor O'Connor in 'Music History from 600-1750'
I've said this so many times I should just set myself on fire.
—Dr. Becker, meteorology
Before he got off the horse, he got off ON the horse.
—Dr. Konkle, The Tragic Vision
In life, no one cares what you do. You're not the President of the United States.
—Professor Grannatt, SOC 335: Courtship, Marriage & the Family
Are you sending love notes? Greg loves Alison
—Dr Phillips, psychology
Why do I even say anything to you?
—Prof. Thomas, Buddhism
My whole arm is stuck up in this cow and I'm enjoying it all.
—Dr. Sally Archer, Career Counseling Seminar, on people having different work preferences.
Some parents bite their children.
—Professor Grannatt, SOC 335: Courtship, Marriage & the Family
Berkely wrote this when he was twenty five. I hate him for that.
—Dr. John Sisko, History of Modern Philosophy, explaining Berkeley's response to Locke
Only a poet can make sex sound like work.
—Professor Diane Steinberg, on Carpe Diem poems
(Referring to an excersize in the workbook for the course) Sending you back to do this on your own would be child abuse!
—Professor Steinberg: LNG 202 - "Structure and History of the English Language"
This is gonna drive me to drink...more than I do already
—Prof. Conklin, MUS 206 (Exploring Concert Music), commenting on the speed of a computer.
Well, you could always say something poetic, like, 'Her green eyes shown like the wind.'

—Dr. Felicia Steele, World Englishes class
Bentham gave all his money to Kings College in Scotland under the condition they would taxidermy his body, keeping it in a glass case and wheeling it out for him to preside over all faculty meetings...I think he's still there.
—Professor Sansbury, SET/PHIL professor
I love Halloween. It's kinky.
—Professor McKinney, Music History: Music from 1750 - 1850
You guys sit down here and play LOUNGE BALL? When I was an undergrad we use to just get a girl and push a piano up against the door in a practice room! *snickers*
—Professor Roger McKinney on the music majors use of their free time
The Rock in a ring with Star Jones and Ben Affleck? That's like the best thing in life. I'd trade my fiancee for that... No, i wouldnt trade my fiancee for that... ...I'd trade my fiancee for a 6-pack...
—Dr. Falcone (Organic Chemistry) when using The Rock, Star Jones, & Ben Affleck as examples of organic compounds and also expressing his dislike of Star & Ben
Unless your grandmother is very sick, you can expect her to still be masturbating!
—~Professor Hohmuth, Abnormal Psychology
My only concern with this poem is that...well I'm sorry to say it, but sheep are old news.
—English Professor Catie Rosemurgy
That's really what grad school is all about... making you feel inadequate.
—Professor Blake, Lit 280
Mass wasting always reminds me of what you do at a college party
—David Hall, Professor of Geology 101
When you see naked women, what does that make you think of? (silence)Maybe that's too open-ended a question.
—Professor Joyce, Art History II: Renaissance to Revolution, on trying to analyze a painting
Now columnar joints...no you don't smoke them
—David Hall, Professor of Geology 101
I was in Atlantic City for other reasons which I won't say because what happens in Atlantic City stays in Atlantic City just kidding.
—Dr. Heisler, MUS 265: Music and the Stage
Hug a freshman.
—Dr. Sally Archer, Career Counseling
That was part of the movie Total Recall. All those people went to Mars, and then the gravity made their faces bubble up and explode... except for Arnold, because he's so strong.
—Professor Pfeiffer, talking about differences in temperature and gravity of the planets
We're so bored on Mount Olympus...hell sounds fun! Let's all go to hell!
—Dr. Heisler, MUS 265: Music and the Stage
I don't know what I mean.
—Dr. Terry Epperson, Cultural Anthropology
People had the habit of dying in the Middle Ages.
—Professor Diane Steinberg, Language 201: Structure and History of the English Languge
Yeah, it's more about the beat than the hoe.
—Dr. Heisler, MUS 265: Music and the Stage
Some people say doing stepwise analysis is right up there with kicking dogs. Don't do it.
—Dr. Phillips, Advanced & Multivariate Stats
He comes in and says 'Look whore, you're ruining my son's life.'
—Dr. Heisler, MUS 265: Music and the Stage
Human beings love fat eels.
—Professor Mi, World Literature 1800-Present
Just leave the price tag on...but rip the part with the sale price off.
—Dr. Epperson, ANT 110, discussing reciprocity
Hanky panky is not a visual sport.
—Dr. Phillips, Sensation and Perception, describing why we turn the lights off to get down.
All philosophy majors are pot-smoking chimps.
—Professor Le Moravan, FSP 111: The Meaning of Life
And here's Jane McCrea falling out of her blouse, almost like Janet Jackson...
—Proffesor Smits, US in World History, showing the class a painting
If you're in a hospital bed, in traction, and all you have is a laptop...then e-mail is great. That is if you can actually use your fingers.
—Terry Byrne, discussing the only time it would be OK to e-mail him a paper.
The size of balls is very important. If they're too small the students will have trouble with them.
—Dr. Tate, k-8 music practicum
Just throw the spaghetti of words on the wall, and let's see which strands stick.
—Proffesor Pike, Magazine Writing
...or maybe I'd be chasing sheep around.
—Dr. Sally Archer, Career Counseling Seminar, in explaining the importance of chance.
Lets play Diagnose My Family!
—Art Hohmuth, Abnormal Psych Prof
When a character is faced with a decsion, such as 'sell the farm or sleep together'...
—Professor Hannold, FSP 101-03 The Movie That Changed Your Life
Music history teachers have basically given up on playing music. It's like teaching sex-ed after being castrated.
—Brian Brown, low-brass professor in a lesson
Granted, the French is much more musical - in English, it just sort of sounds like soft-core porn.
—Dr. Wayne Heisler, reading a translation of the story of Salome (in Music from 1850-the Present Day)
The Da Vinci Code is the crappiest piece of writing I have ever encountered. Dan Brown's sentences don't follow the rules of English grammar.
—Professor Catie Rosemurgy, Writing Communities, CWR 306
Basically, if I were straight, I'd be stalking her!
—Prof. Figueroa, on the wonderful Penelope Cruz
What if everybody retired to their garden to contemplate their navel?
—Professor Karras, History 201: World History
It's true, women smile more than men...We're a little dour, not so happy.
—Prof. Skolnick, PSY299 Emotion Research Seminar
Dyaknow?
—Professor Hannold, what he says all the time in any class, Dyaknow?
What did Russia and Siberia have to keep things warm that Alaska did not? (Kid: Vodka?) True, but that doesn't help tomatoes very much, does it?
—Professor Kovalev, Hist 101
If you came home one day and saw an elephant in your living room, that would change your life.
—Professor Brian Potter POL 150 - Comparative Politics, explaining how Mexico's proximity to the United States affects them.
The average jury is made up of a bunch of f**king idiots
—Dr. Fradella, LWJ 201 Courts and Judicial Processes
There's nothing I like better than a pretty girl on her knees.
—Dr. Sylvester, Director of Bands
A music building without music stands is like a whore-house without beds.
—Brian Brown, Low-Brass Professor, on the music department's new policy requiring everyone to provide their own stands, while leaving the college's good stands locked up in plain sight.
If you order today, we'll include five ginsu knives. AND if you order in the next ten minutes, we'll throw in two more knives...and an apple peeler!
—Dr. Woodward (discussing selling strategies in relation to infomercials)
My friend left a couple of dead bodies at Transylvania University.
—Professor Raymond Fangboner (yes real name), Human Form and Function, referring to how a person can be killed if their trachea is crushed.
It's hard to imagine T.S. Elliot writing poetry about his private parts.
—Professor Cathy Day, discussing contemporary poets' references to modernist poets' previously taboo subjects
Don't drop acid in lab
—David Hall, Professor of Geology 101
Unions don't exist anymore
—Dr. Seniors-HIS380/AAS206: African American History 1865-present
My English is not so good, that's why I teach you French.
—Dr. Sow, French for Beginners 101
I like your adverb.
—Dr. Tarter - Literature of the Prison Professor
This is how to get an erection.
—Professor Peterson, BIO 411 (Animal Physiology), giving an example of the control of blood flow
When you start washing your own sheets -- your parents know what's going on.
—Dr. Archer, Career Counseling
Don't put anything in your mouth you're not gonna swallow.
—Professor Hannold, FSP
This man had the country by the gonads.
—Professor Johnson, Math 101; on George Washington
I once lost a girlfriend to immunology.
—Dr. Fangboner Senior Seminar
Even terrible rulers can be nice to have a beer with.
—Professor Chazelle, History 311, on Marcus Aurelius
Speedracer! There's a bridge out!
—Dr. Phillips, Sensation & Perception: elaborating on the visual illusion of speed in cartoon backgrounds
The size of the balls does matter
—Dr. Tate, K-8 Music Practicum
Christopher Columbus was the first pimp of the New World
—Professor Figueroa, SPA 312, talking about colonization
Hoeing is fun!
—Dr. Hinitz
Just sneezing is no big deal. Sneezing while pulling up your pants, now that's dangerous.
—Dr. Limberis, in Control Systems lab
With a title like Nude Paintings, I would've bought the book anyways.
—Prof. Gruen, Greek Myth, trying to show us the "Birth of Venus" painting.
I would smoke a pipe if it weren't detrimental to your health. But it is so I don't.
—Roger McKinney, Classical Lit.
You don't say things like barely significant. That's like being barely pregnant.
—Prof. Phillips, PSY 203: Design and Analysis
I'm usually in the shallow end of the cool pool.
—Dr. Steele, Linguistics
Two minutes -- that is long! Dallas Cowboys could score 3 touchdowns!
—Dr. Boo Sang Lee, MAT 326: Differential Equations
I was wearing pirate pants all day long yesterday!
—Professor Bledsoe, PSY121: Methods & Tools
I don't hate you. Wait a minute. Yes I do. If I liked you, Id teach a nice subject.
—Dr. McMahan, on teaching music theory
“You can walk out of a film and say ‘That’s postmodern’ and you’ll sound eminently more intelligent than saying ‘I didn’t get it’”
—Terry Byrne during his lecture on postmodernism
Split up into groups. Oh, this one has three boys...that's not beautiful. Not beautiful...
—Hashimoto Sensei, Japanese 102
What are you doing? You cannot go to the bathroom while I am talking! Who do you think you are? Do you think you are king?
—Professor Liu, Macroeconomics. No, I don't think I'm a king, but just someone who needs to pee.
I am a major afficianado of the Weather Channel.
—Dr. Phillips, Sensation and Perception
You can't choose how you are. You were born, you're ugly. What can you do?
—Dr. Sow, INT365: African Cinemas
I should probably erase that, it looks more like a condom than a bat.
—Prof. Anthony, SPED Social Studies, in an artistic attempt at a bat
Professor: So...what exactly are the Boy and Girls Scouts trying to sell?
Student 1: Cookies?
Professor: Haha...no, what are they trying to promote?
Student 2: Child labor?
—Professor Winston, INT 300, talking about globalization
...the design will become so complex that it achieves a level of simplicity.
—Professor Bijan Sepahpour in Advanced Engineering Mathematics I
My son is from Cambodia. I found him in the fields so I guess he's got some catching up to do. Go ahead, shit your pants!
—Dr. Petroff on potty training his 3 1/2 yr old who still poops his pants.
You gotta sound sexy, guys. Pretend I'm a girl. 'Io voglio uscire con te!'
—Professor Balena, Italian 103
There was a friend of mine, he would walk into Victoria's Secret, you know, they've got those huge posters on the walls of all the models, and he would ask, 'When you need to get rid of all those posters, let me know. I'll buy them, pay money for those.' He wanted to bring them home and post them all over his room. He dreamt of marrying one of those girls. But that never materialized, and he ended up marrying a bitch.
—Professor Bijan Sepahpour, Advanced Engineering Mathematics I
Where do men make most of their money??...PLAYING WITH BALLS!!


...Well, I meant footballs, baseballs...I kinda walked into that one.
—Dr. Howe, Psychology of Women

 1  2   Next